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The Best Work-Life Balance Advice Ever

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Have you read Sheryl Sandberg‘s 2013 book Lean In?  Here’s some of her advice about balance and burn-out.

BURN-OUT

In 1994 Sandberg interned at the Washington D.C. office of McKinsey & Company when Larry Kanarek managed the office.  Since Kanarek conducted all the exit interviews, he discovered over time that people quit for one reason only: burn-out.  They were done with working long hours and traveling for more hours.  What baffled Kanarek was that every single person who was leaving had unused vacation time.  Sandberg says “Up until the day they left, they did everything McKinsey asked of them (then decided) that it was too much.” (Lean In, 2013, p. 126)

YOU MAKE YOUR OWN BALANCE

Sandberg says Kanerak went back to his employees and beseeched them to “exert more control over their careers.  He said McKinsey would never stop making demands on our time, so it was up to us to decide what we were willing to do.  It was our responsibility to draw the line.  We needed to decide how many hours we were willing to work in a day and how many nights we were willing to travel.  If later on, the job did not work out, we would know that we had tried on our own terms.

Counterintuitively, long-term success at work often depends on not trying to meet every demand placed on us.  The best way to make room for both life and career is to make choices deliberately – to set limits and stick to them.”  (emphasis added)

1994 ADVICE PERFECT FOR TODAY

That says that in 1994 Mr. Kanarek advised women and men to take the situation into their own hands and choose deliberately.  I appreciate that word “deliberately”.  I use it a lot in coaching to remind people to choose, yes, but more than that, to deliberate on the choice and the cost to be paid – to ponder, to speculate, to deeply consider, to study and think thoroughly about, but also to think in a leisurely and gradual way, not hastily or emotionally, before choosing.  Only when you have deliberated can you say you chose deliberately, which Webster defines as “carefully, unhurriedly, done on purpose“.

THE “BUT’S” AND “WHAT’S” ATTACK

“But’s” Attack

I know what you’re saying.  As soon as you try to exert control, you mind answers “But if I keep putting in the hours, I might make (general manager, partner, program manager, Queen of the Universe) in only about 3 years, I think.”  (You “hope” is more like it.)

“What’s” Attack

Or you hear in your head, “What if I cut back hours and then I’m miserable about being passed over?”

THE ANSWER TO THE “BUT’S” AND “WHAT’S”

There are so many more answers to the attacks on your thinking than “head down, work long hours marching off into the dark”.  To begin with, the attacks broke in on your deliberations.  We’re not going to allow that.

When the attacks broke in on your deliberation, they made you afraid.  Made you afraid of the future, which is quite a trick since no one knows which future will happen.  But moreover, the attacks made you afraid of yourself.  The attacks made you afraid to take ten minutes, sit down somewhere quiet, maybe with a doodle pad, breathe quietly, and deliberate on your choices, the costs, and the way you’re going to choose.

You already know so many of the answers; you already know you can

  • choose the work path that proves what you value in your life
  • choose whether, after 3 or 4 or 5 years of endless hours, you want to be the Program Manager known for putting in and demanding 80-hour weeks (or even 60)
  • increase your self-control:  make sure you’re actually working during the hours you devote to work, make sure you ruthlessly and relentlessly root out distractions, and see if you can do fewer hours now and later.  Adopt some new favorite productivity hacks

There are many, many more answers for you, but you will not be able to put together your personal menu of balance and controls unless you deliberate and decide deliberately, that is, decide on purpose.  So much about the self-awareness and resilience we’ve talked about here comes into play now.

So, say “thank you, I’ll get back to you” to the attacks.  Take yourself somewhere quiet and take a doodle pad.  Take a couple breaths and smile.  You’re going to be deliberate.  You are going to choose on purpose.  It’s hardest the first time, and it gets easier.  Please, will you do this?

 

 

 

 

Want To Improve Your Performance?

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Did you know one of my favorite techniques to teach people is “Ask, don’t tell”?  (My clients call it “ADT”.)  Sounds funny, doesn’t it?  It means “ask the person a sincere question; don’t just keep telling them your opinion.”

When you are trying to help someone see your point-of-view, when you’re trying to get someone to see beyond their own opinion, or to agree with you, asking a question, then another question that builds on their answer, is a quick, clever, and very polite way to get their minds to start opening up, and maybe changing.

ADT is also one of my go-to methods when I absolutely must calm down and get my frustration or anxiety under control.  Pausing to ask a question is what does the trick.

If you’d like to strengthen your self-awareness, self-leadership, and resilience, “Ask them; don’t tell them” helps form every one of those skills in you.  Pausing to form a question means you’ve paused, and we know how essential the pause is in bringing your best cognitive brain into the conversation.  Pausing helps you settle yourself into a calm, aware state and to take a micro-second to restate to yourself what you are best intending happen in this conversation.  Pausing is an essential self-leadership technique, and “Ask, don’t tell” (ADT) is what to do when you pause.

Now, three new potent questions have come on the scene.  Imagine a crucial conversation with your boss after a client meeting and you’re asking for feedback….. imagine a crucial conversation with a co-worker when you’re earnestly – finally – trying hard to cultivate teamwork. Imagine yourself asking these questions:

  • “How can I do better next time?”
  • “What am I doing that I don’t even know I’m doing?”
  • “What am I not doing that I don’t see?”

Those potent, beautiful questions work just as well with your husband or your estranged sister…

These questions are courtesy of Sheryl Sandberg, in her 2013 book Lean In, page 83. I recommend all the other pages too.

Have you had a chance to read Sandberg‘s book?  What do you think of her three questions?  Please leave a comment.

Inspired By Grafitti in a Glasgow Train Station

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We vacationed in Scotland in July 2014, where we toured the beautiful cities of Glasgow and Edinburgh, and hiked the Scottish Highlands around Fort William.  It was a stunningly beautiful journey that I recommend highly.  [You can contact me and I’ll provide details.]   In the Glasgow train station, I spotted this written on the wall:

“Nothing is easy.

But who wants nothing?”

Wonderful.

I don’t want “nothing”, so it must be that I don’t want easy, either.  No, I can honestly say that I don’t want easy.  I do want wonderful, and hard, and terrific, and oh-my-gosh-I-can’t-believe-I-did-that, terrifying, and wonderful.  I want wonder.  I want resilience that grows stronger and stronger.  I don’t want easy.

Those seven words on the train station wall did as much for my mental well-being and energy as the rest of the vacation did.  

Do you have a favorite phrase that does the same for you, picks you up and puts you back on the path?  Please click “Comment” above and post it in the Comments.  We could all use a lift!

 

Do You Know the Power Of Doing What’s In Your Hands?

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Personal Leadership is essential. It’s remarkable how much better we perform and how much more we understand when we do what’s in our own hands.

My coaching client Sue started our meeting wanting to talk only about the last two days.  Sue has important tax documents due to the IRS tomorrow. She’ll submit them online but because of travel plans, she can’t sign them tomorrow.  She has to sign them today.  Making yesterday and today the only two days left for the tax accountant to finish the documents so Sue can sign them today.

She Lost Confidence

Sue sent all the information to her tax accountant eleven days ago, and was disappointed when the accountant asked the same lame questions about Sue’s spreadsheet that he’d asked before.  While Sue was grumbling in her office in Georgia, the accountant in Seattle told Sue her taxes would be done by a different member of the firm who’d never done Sue’s taxes before. Oh, boy, that got Sue going.

Anger Felt Like A Solution

Now it’s looking like the new person didn’t start on Sue’s documents until four days ago.  With less than two days to go.  He peppered Sue with questions that don’t apply to Sue’s situation; Sue got hotter.  He was unfamiliar with Sue’s taxes.  Sue felt that could only lead to errors and Sue paying more taxes that she had to.  By the time the third email of questions arrived, Sue was flaring.

She Stopped Time

Sue was at her angriest.  Then she did something remarkable.  She stopped time.  She stopped thinking and stopped muttering.  She stopped long enough to stop all the chatter and stressed-out complaining in her brain.  She stopped long enough to see the gap between how things were going and how they could go.  She stepped into the gap and asked herself how she really wanted this tense conversation to go.

She Knew What She Could Do

She said aloud that she wanted clear questions and answers with the tax man, and to help him work quickly without errors.  There were things Sue could do to help that happen.  There were things that were in her hands in the situation.  She decided to use the chance to make this better.  She decided to do what was in her hands.

She Did What Was In Her Hands

Although the last email of questions had inflamed Sue, she could see now that feeling inflamed and placing blame wouldn’t get her anywhere she wanted to go.  She breathed, calmed herself, took her emotions in hand, and took constructive action.  Sue smiled and phoned the tax man whom she’d never met.

What A Difference

Sue stopped thinking anything else and just asked a question.  She forgot about being pissed off.  She forgot about being worried the guy was unqualified.  She forgot everything and just asked a question.  She just asked.  She asked why the irrelevant questions were necessary.  He said the tax software requires all kinds of questions he wouldn’t ask if he were doing taxes by hand.  The software won’t even let him go to the next page without answering questions irrelevant to Sue’s tax situation.

Now Sue understood.  What a difference that calm question and answer made in her attitude.  Sue thanked the tax man for his patience and apologized for her own strongly worded emails.

Energized and Relieved

Sue felt cooperative, energized, relieved, and hurried to find the data asked for.  She was extremely proud that she had done what was in her hands.  The taxes were filed on time.  Sue got a nice refund.

Power and Relief

Sue was thrilled to tell her Coach she had stopped time and done what was in her hands.  She felt a calmness and a power.  We enjoyed discussing how much more resilient she will be the more she uses the technique of doing what’s in her hands.

It seems like this technique is needed more and more every day, the ability to stop, see the gap, and being willing to stand in the gap, doing what’s in your hands.

Do you agree it’s a powerful technique?  Have you ever tried anything like it?  Please “comment”  !

 

 

 

Do Your Action Steps Include Throwing Up?

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My tightly-wound coaching client had a problem that she was just now bringing up.  Like many tightly-wound people, she has trouble making decisions at home, including decisions about organizing her house.

Personal Leadership Works At Home Too

She was doing well at reaching the work goals she’d set during our coaching; she firmly grasped the logic behind taking “baby steps” toward goals and was baby-stepping her way to success at work.  Home disorganization was another matter; she’d never tackled it.  She told me she had a walkway through her living room, stacked with papers and stuff on either side of the walkway.  She decided to start with the kitchen…

The 8-Minute Life Saver

She knew my coaching suggestions for taking on big projects in small, sometimes very small, chunks (“baby steps“).  The crucial ingredient I add to that technique is to work on the baby step for only eight minutes.  For eight minutes, you may work on the task, or think about working on the task, or stare at the wall; it doesn’t matter.  After eight minutes, you may walk away from the task.  You can go on working past eight minutes if you wish, but you don’t have to.  You’ll work on it again tomorrow for eight minutes.  If you go on working on it today, you may do so only after asking yourself, out loud, “Shall I work on this a while longer?”  and answering “Yes”.   The easy “8-Minute Technique” really works.

Courage and Grit Can Come In 8 Minutes

She decided to work on just the junk drawer in the kitchen; she’d open it and work on it for eight minutes.  She opened the drawer, looked down at it, and promptly threw up in it.  That day she got to walk away before her eight minutes were up.  (She cleaned up the mess later but wasn’t required to deal with the junk; she’d already done her assignment for the day, rather spectacularly.)

The next day she opened the drawer, looked down, and threw up in the drawer.  She walked away and cleaned it up later.

The next day she opened the drawer.  She emptied it.  She completely organized it.  She put away items that belonged elsewhere, and put the duplicates in the box in her hall closet marked “Donate”.  (A baby step she’d done earlier.)  I congratulated her.  She moved on to organizing everything else, using the same steps.

Grit Means We Endure

The courage and resilience to do the task were already inside my dear client.  They had to be; they didn’t just materialize in two days.  But she had to activate her courage and resilience.  She had to send them a message that it was time to show up.  She did that by enduring.

We can only benefit from our own courage and resilience when we endure.  My client endured; she returned to her frightening task three times, then watched her own courage change her life.

Courage and resilience are both marked by endurance and grit.  Endurance and grit share a part of their definition: “the firm resolve to stand, and go on standing, in the face of aggravations and fears.”

Courage and resilience are inside you too.  And not just about the kitchen junk drawer.

It doesn’t matter if your baby steps include throwing up.  My baby steps used to include a minute of tears from the fears mounded up inside me.

But it didn’t matter. What matters are courage and resilience, endurance and grit.  What matters are that my client and you show a “firm resolve to stand, and go on standing, in the face of aggravations and fears.”

You can do this.  Just ask my client Sharon.

What do you think of the 8-Minute Technique?   What kinds of Baby Steps have you used?  Please comment. We can all use the help!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is This The Right Kind of Magical Thinking?

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Haven’t you been warned to avoid magical thinking? The kind of thinking where you make up the story you prefer, and then believe it; as in “My expense report is due but I won’t fill it out tonight.  Rick the Boss will understand why I’m late again when he sees what I worked on instead.”  or  “It’s my business if I raise my voice behind my closed office door.  I don’t care what my supervisor said; he’ll understand when he finds out what Accounting did.”

Your Brain Is Listening

The danger of course is not only that your magical thoughts aren’t true and will likely get you into trouble, but by announcing your magical thought to yourself, your brain accepts it as true, and acts like it’s true. Your brain will tend to call similar thoughts true, if they’re consistent with the one you made up.  The entire scenario slips farther away from what’s true, and you allow yourself to behave in ways and defend statements you make that have no basis in truth.  Magical thinking can seriously harm you, and all the time you think you’re right.  It can be tough to pull back from.

Recognize Magical Thinking

You must train yourself to recognize and root out this kind of magical thinking.  I teach my clients to avoid magical thinking like this: “List the things in this situation you can independently prove are true. Say to yourself: ‘This list alone is the truth. I agree this alone is real.  I do not believe anything not on this list and I discard it.’ ”  Try it; I promise it works.

But There’s Another Kind

But there is another kind of magical thinking.  The right kind.  Like the other kind, it ignores reality, but still, I recommend it.

My desk was lost under a snowdrift of books and papers. I felt I should take an hour to clean it up before I could hope to get any work done.  I couldn’t afford an hour, I didn’t want to do it, and I knew that trying to straighten my desk was like entering a black hole of time-wasting.

Magical Thinking To The Rescue

So I decided to use magical thinking. I told myself my desk was clean and I had all the space I needed to get right down to work and get a lot done.  So I did.  I got right down to work and got a lot done.

As we already know, starting a task and keeping at it is the hardest part and is most of the battle. I used magical thinking to take away my excuse for not starting the task. I used magical thinking to prevent procrastination. I shoved the pile aside and got a carload of stuff done.

Later I felt so good I cleaned off my desk.

What do you think?  Can you see a use for this kind of magical thinking in your life?  Please comment – I’d like to hear about it.

Don’t Do This or You’ll Lose Out For Sure

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Is there something that has you distracted, preoccupied, or anxious at work?  Consider this technique to get around it.

Are you a Magnum, P.I. fan on Amazon?  Magnum was a pretty good private investigator and he knew how to pick locks.  Getting away from the bad guys often depended on Magnum being able to pick a lock at the end of a hallway with the bad guys bearing down on him.

Human Nature Will Get You In Trouble

It’s human nature to keep watching where the bad guys are coming from.  But what Magnum had to do was focus on the lock.  He had all the skill and tools to pick the lock and get through the door to safety.  All he had to do was work the lock.  His skills would get him through if he would focus on the lock.

Work The Lock

Magnum would mutter to himself, “Don’t watch the bad guys.  Work the lock.”

Just Like Us

Sometimes we see only the danger or feel only the fear.  Or worse, spend our time looking for it, watching for it, anticipating it…  When what we should do – all we have to do – is focus on the lock.

Don’t watch the bad guys.

Work the lock.

I have watched this technique work in intense situations.  Do you think it would work for you?  Please click “Comment” and join in.

 

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