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Do You Know the Power Of Doing What’s In Your Hands?

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Personal Leadership is essential. It’s remarkable how much better we perform and how much more we understand when we do what’s in our own hands.

My coaching client Sue started our meeting wanting to talk only about the last two days.  Sue has important tax documents due to the IRS tomorrow. She’ll submit them online but because of travel plans, she can’t sign them tomorrow.  She has to sign them today.  Making yesterday and today the only two days left for the tax accountant to finish the documents so Sue can sign them today.

She Lost Confidence

Sue sent all the information to her tax accountant eleven days ago, and was disappointed when the accountant asked the same lame questions about Sue’s spreadsheet that he’d asked before.  While Sue was grumbling in her office in Georgia, the accountant in Seattle told Sue her taxes would be done by a different member of the firm who’d never done Sue’s taxes before. Oh, boy, that got Sue going.

Anger Felt Like A Solution

Now it’s looking like the new person didn’t start on Sue’s documents until four days ago.  With less than two days to go.  He peppered Sue with questions that don’t apply to Sue’s situation; Sue got hotter.  He was unfamiliar with Sue’s taxes.  Sue felt that could only lead to errors and Sue paying more taxes that she had to.  By the time the third email of questions arrived, Sue was flaring.

She Stopped Time

Sue was at her angriest.  Then she did something remarkable.  She stopped time.  She stopped thinking and stopped muttering.  She stopped long enough to stop all the chatter and stressed-out complaining in her brain.  She stopped long enough to see the gap between how things were going and how they could go.  She stepped into the gap and asked herself how she really wanted this tense conversation to go.

She Knew What She Could Do

She said aloud that she wanted clear questions and answers with the tax man, and to help him work quickly without errors.  There were things Sue could do to help that happen.  There were things that were in her hands in the situation.  She decided to use the chance to make this better.  She decided to do what was in her hands.

She Did What Was In Her Hands

Although the last email of questions had inflamed Sue, she could see now that feeling inflamed and placing blame wouldn’t get her anywhere she wanted to go.  She breathed, calmed herself, took her emotions in hand, and took constructive action.  Sue smiled and phoned the tax man whom she’d never met.

What A Difference

Sue stopped thinking anything else and just asked a question.  She forgot about being pissed off.  She forgot about being worried the guy was unqualified.  She forgot everything and just asked a question.  She just asked.  She asked why the irrelevant questions were necessary.  He said the tax software requires all kinds of questions he wouldn’t ask if he were doing taxes by hand.  The software won’t even let him go to the next page without answering questions irrelevant to Sue’s tax situation.

Now Sue understood.  What a difference that calm question and answer made in her attitude.  Sue thanked the tax man for his patience and apologized for her own strongly worded emails.

Energized and Relieved

Sue felt cooperative, energized, relieved, and hurried to find the data asked for.  She was extremely proud that she had done what was in her hands.  The taxes were filed on time.  Sue got a nice refund.

Power and Relief

Sue was thrilled to tell her Coach she had stopped time and done what was in her hands.  She felt a calmness and a power.  We enjoyed discussing how much more resilient she will be the more she uses the technique of doing what’s in her hands.

It seems like this technique is needed more and more every day, the ability to stop, see the gap, and being willing to stand in the gap, doing what’s in your hands.

Do you agree it’s a powerful technique?  Have you ever tried anything like it?  Please “comment”  !

 

 

 

Most Important Step To Resolve Conflict

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Do you have conflict at work? Do you wish people understood things more clearly, and more often from your point of view? Then here’s your most important first step.

The Conflict

At home it’s time to do a semi-major housecleaning. Every time Handsome Husband (HH)  and I clean house together I get a little agitated. I make a list of things for HH to do for us: clean the porch furniture, wash windows on the outside, clear up the garage, get the cobwebs, wash the doormats, etc. He does his list willingly and cheerfully, but I wish he’d do it more quickly. Doesn’t he know his list is a lot shorter and less complicated than my list? Can’t he tell I’d like him to go faster, then help me?

Resolving The Conflict – a Simple Example

He cheerfully does his list. I, not so cheerfully, do mine. I act agitated, full of conflict. Why is there conflict? Because I want him to finish his shorter list and help me; that is my objective for him. He has his own objective. He doesn’t know I have one for him.

Objectives We Do Not Share

A wise person once said, “Conflict arises when people are in pursuit of objectives they do not share.” Bingo! We are pursuing two different objectives. He doesn’t even know I have one for him.  No wonder I’m muttering.  I haven’t told him my objective for him let alone asked him to agree with it.  We are in pursuit of objectives we do not share.

“Share” Doesn’t Just Mean “Tell”

Please note, “share” in this axiom doesn’t mean “tell”, as in, “let me share this with you”.  In this axiom, “share” means to “hold the same opinion”, to “hold in common”.  HH and I were in pursuit of objectives we do not share, do not hold in common. Next time, I’ll have to own up to the fact that I have an objective for him (sometimes we hold these objectives subconsciously and have to force them out into the light).  I have to ask him to agree to my objective for him. He might not, so then we’ll use fact-finding, give-and-take, trade-offs, compromise, prioritization, scheduling, “ask, don’t tell” and other methods of coming to agreement.

Conflicts At Work

This is a simple example of different objectives remaining unspoken, unagreed-to.  But aren’t a lot of the conflicts at work just as simple? Conflicts caused by different objectives, remaining unspoken?

The objectives themselves may not be simple, getting agreement may not be simple, but it’s simple to see why you’re in conflict. You want two completely different things, but you haven’t discovered that yet.  The conflict is not personal, it’s not vindictive, the other person’s not stupid or hard-headed.  Rather, you are in pursuit of objectives you do not share.

You Can Resolve the Conflict

A friend of mine says “sometimes we’ll be the only ones in the room who know what’s going on”.  Do you see how that advice can work here?  Really look at the conflicts around you and you’ll see it’s the objectives that are in conflict, not the people.

Discover The Objectives

Have everyone in the conflict speak their objective, namely, their preferred outcome and preferred method.  Everyone will be surprised at how different the objectives are.  Everyone might also be surprised at how easily and well the objectives can be melded together and all satisfied once they’re spoken aloud.  It’s a particular pleasure when one objective influences another, makes it clearer, asks hard questions, or makes the other one easier to achieve.  It’s a pleasure to watch the two people in conflict have a lightbulb moment.

What If They Can’t Be Resolved?

Some objectives can’t be melded together or won’t be satisfied by the final agreement, but perhaps they can be deferred and satisfied later. Or pursued in parallel by another group. Or more fact-finding will show one’s unnecessary or redundant.  One thing is for sure:  the ways to satisfy the objectives can only be found when the objectives are spoken.

Please remember it’s often true that, when two people are in conflict, all it means is that they are in pursuit of objectives they do not share. Now I’m ready to get HH to agree to hurry his list and help me with mine.

I’ve seen this first and most important step to conflict resolution work very effectively at the office and at home.  Do you think it would work at your office?  Please click “comment” above and tell us how you would put it to use. 

What do you think will be the best way to make sure others speak their objectives out loud?

 

Why Won’t The Client Call Back?

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Has this happened to you?  You’re in the midst of an important project, and the client just refuses to call you back.  Provokes a lot of anxiety in you, doesn’t it?

In the midst of projects when clients seem to refuse to call back, I say to my teams and my coaching clients: “Don’t worry.  When you’re as good at this as you are, and work as hard as you do, it’s not going to turn out that you were the problem.”

It’s Not You

I mean it’s not going to turn out to be their fault that the client didn’t call back this week.  It’s going to turn out that the client’s time was preempted by a dozen other things, or the client was sick, or on vacation, or wasn’t able to call back for a hundred other reasons.

But Notice The Facts

Notice the facts here: “When you’re as good at this as you are, and work as hard as you do”.  When all that is true, it won’t turn out that you were the problem.

But…

But if you could be better at technical or managerial skills, or better at your people skills and client skills, if perhaps you haven’t been working that hard to keep this client satisfied, then maybe it IS you.  Maybe you ARE the reason they didn’t call back.

But…

But when you are skilled, you work smart, you work hard, you’ve been proactive, you’ve announced problems and work-around plans early on, and you keep answering questions and needs from the client’s point-of-view, you are not going to be the reason they didn’t call back.

I hope this helps your morale.  It’s certainly helped me and my teams.  Can you see yourself using this technique when the client won’t call back?  Please comment and join the discussion.

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